Performance
Inception
22/2/22
Jess shared a TikTok with us that was about sonder (the realisation that every person you ever pass by has a life as vivid and complex as your own). From there we discussed connection and Jake shared a study he had read where they recorded the heart rates of the audience during a piece of theatre where they found that everyone’s heart beats would begin to sync up, rising and falling in unison throughout the performance and how strangers were connected in a moment over theatre. We decided it would be nice to create a piece that could unify strangers in the audience in feeling.
I brought up the idea of “uncanny valley” - an aesthetics term strongly associated with robotics created by Masahiro Mori which is a hypothesized relation between an object’s resemblance to a human and emotional response. As the below diagram shows, the theory is there reaches a point where humanoids objects that are close but not close enough to being human evoke a strong feeling of unease.
We then shared songs and wrote words that came to mind whilst listening the tracks. This then sparked a conversation about whether we’d opt to use live or recorded music and when each could come into play.
We then did an exercise where people got into pairs and had to make still tableaus of 5 different moments of contact. These were then discussed as a group.
We sat down and did some free writing to some of the prompts Jake had sent into the chat. After this, we shared our writing with each other in the group.
The feedback I got from mine was about the juxtaposition of the gentle natures of hald holding and comfort this can provide compared to the violence of having your hand crushed. Whilst referred to in this context in a jokey way, we discussed further this dynamic - the way gentle, innocuous acts can morph into more harmful and controlling ones. This is something I decided to return to in my film.
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There is a strange energy, a weird vibe that sends my stomach twisting and turning, contorting and distorting, like a bog standard Britain’s Got Talent contestant.
But then he holds my hand.
And I remember what it’s like to be loved,
And to not be alone.
And I’m still terrified and scared and I think I could very possibly vomit and/or shit myself right here, right now but now I am something else on top of all that.
I am brave.
None of the fear leaves but it is numbed. It fades a little, becomes blurrier and slightly harder to see like when I forgo my glasses for too long and the astigmatism really forces me to squint to see.
But he’s holding my hand. His hand warm, big – slightly sweaty.
I let it go, wipe my hand on my trousers because, scared as I am, it is a little gross.
I hold his hand.
He gives my hand a squeeze. I do the same back.
He does it again, harder and longer as if he’s trying to break every individual bone in my hand because he is after all, a boy and therefore, playful, immature and a dick.
I contort and twist in pain and he relents possibly because he’s showing me mercy – more likely because I’ve threatened to hit him in the bollocks.
He continues holding my hand but with a reasonable grip. He looks at me, says nothing and yet says everything.
That somewhat rare yet all too common fondness is in his eyes that makes me feel like we’re alone regardless of whether that’s true or not. The look that makes my heart skip a beat or two. There’s a warm glimmer in his eyes that makes my heart melt.
I’ve always found those sayings to be corny but it’s in moments like this where I honestly couldn’t think of a more accurate way of describing it all.
So he holding my hand, eyes glimmering warmly, heart melting, skipping and just malfunctioning in general and
He smiles, reserved.
There’s a natural progression at this point. This is, after 9 months, a very well rehearsed routine. His mind is processing the motions, I can see it in his eyes straight through to where the cogs turn. He leans in and we kiss.
It is nowhere near as passionate as every Hollywood romantic flick but it is nothing short of perfect.
It doesn’t last more than a few seconds but in those seconds I can hear every declaration of love he’s ever not said. Every “I love you” he’s not spoken first.
But he means it. With all his heart.
He is a man and therefore vulnerable. He is human therefore has not only a desire but a need for love; for affection.
He cannot, dares not, voice it for an unfathomable reason, but it doesn’t worry me because in those few seconds he said it all. He does not say it. So stood in the dark alley outside, illuminated only by the faint, purple-y glow of the arcade, I do.
I love you.
“I love you too.”
Moments of Connection Workshop
24/2/22
(Disclaimer: Some of the audio is missing due to copyright with the Arvo Pärt music)
Chris played his piece of music from the playlist (Arvo Pärt - Fratres) and we stood at the side of the room. We were invited to enter and leave the space as we pleased and just explore moments of connection - we then regrouped and wrote down our favourite moments.
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Lying with Jess’s head on my arms, both of us watching me twirl a ring around
Another lovely one was watching chris miming playing the violin, I thought that he really felt the music and I could almost hear the music myself
Would be nice to see more than one person in try it together perhaps
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Everyone lifting Alicia and coming to support them physically felt like an emotional uplifting as well. I adored that moment.
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Jake came to me to find the jewellery and then me putting all of it and my own on him. Putting the necklace around him, putting each ring on. Felt very devotional
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When I was sitting taking rings off as when abi ran to me and hugged me
The moment me and jake had with the rings
Wrapping myself around abi like I couldn’t be any closer to them
Alicia's foot on my shoulder by the wall
Us all speaking
Shadow puppets
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When jake hugged me from behind and I held his head
When I climbed the wall and everyone supported my balance
Me and abi fighting and hugging in a bundle at the same time, kicking and gripping each other
Climbing backwards up the wall and Chris peeling me off of the wall, laying me down and sitting with me whilst Jess did shadow puppets.
Me and val holding hands and touching feet
Jake and mac at the beginning when jake helf max’s hands and we all rubbed their legs and arms
Jake putting objects in a row, building (building a scenario? Relationship?)
Leaning up on the wall and fighting myself taking clothes off vs wanting to keep them on and disjointed positions.
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When I was laying on the floor, Chris came to me and put his hand out and later said are you ok?
When I was lying and val was on top of me
When all the jewellery was on the floor, I put Max’s in a circle with the eye ring in the middle.
We then did a workshop led by Maxx which was about non-verbal connection. We essentially sat in a line, and almost thought-projected a joke at the next person in the line and continued transmitting that energy eventually resulting in laughter.
Workshop and showing Kevin
3/3/22
In this session, we began with one person in the space, everyone else off. When we felt compelled to, we would go in and interact with the person in the space. The video below (which I used as a trailer for my exhibition) is a compilation of some of the moments of connection we were able to generate.
We then did a showing to Kevin, our supervisor.
World Creation
8/3/22
Went through the Trip to a Small Planet text and throught about how the audience are in the space, the connections between actor and audience. Whether we’d be inviting them into the space and if so, how?
Separation
Eventually, we started to drift apart as our roles became more distinct and defined. As I chose to be part of the production team, my role in the performance aspect became more limited and I chose to use my time focusing on that, working with Becca and Amy during our allotted rehearsal times.